


totally factual and actual quotes (not clickbait)

by cactusboob



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: I got bored, i also love you if you recognize some of the quotes, i've been awake sense eight am yesterday, if you recognize the references that i made i love you, im gonna go to sleep now, or gen, the relationships are either everyone/everyone, these quotes are infact not correct
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23375968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusboob/pseuds/cactusboob
Summary: yeah, i've no idea what a summary for this could be. anyway, just read it
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	1. what's this, what's this? fucking chaos is what it is

stan: Due to personal reasons, I am quitting adulthood. I have left adultery and I am now a child. Good day. 

bill: uh, you can't just sto-

stan: I said good day!

☆

ben:*drunk as hell* ok, um. i have decided that i am no longer baby. uh, i am now whore and that's on capitalism.

beverly: *equally drunk* ok, baby. uh, whore, i guess.

☆

richie: hey, stan do you wanna see this routine i just wrote?

stan: I can't read.

richie: what do you mean you can't read? you did my taxes!

stan: That was my twin brother, natS.

☆

ben: if the waiter gives you the wrong order, what do you say?

bev: 'scuse me cunt, wrong!

☆

stan: *pushing plate off of table, plate falls*

stan: *completely deadpan* Aw, that's a bummer, I broke your plate. Are you gonna feed me or what?

☆

eddie: wanna hear story

eddie *does not wait for answer* so yeah, when-

beverly: did i say yes?

eddie: do i give a fuck?

☆

ben: im unattractive

the rest of the losers: let me get my double seeing glasses because i can not even begin to see the  **BULLSHIT** that is coming out of you

☆

mike: well, you can tell by the way i lost my shit, im spiralling 

☆

richie's phone: *notification sound*

bill: is, is your notif sound the pornhub opener?

richie: i will neither confirm or deny but, yes. yes, it is.

☆

bev: richie is very skilled

eddie: in what

richie: it takes real skill to choke on air, fall up up the stair and trip over nothing

stan: And he has those skills.

richie: indeed

☆

eddie: richie please stop spending all our life savings on dogs

richie: eddie, the golden retrievers will retrieve us gold. im doing this for us.

☆

bill: whats the scariest part of your body to get cut of?

mike: uh, my ass?

stan: Like, a cheek, or?

mike: no, the whole, whole ass

bill: how do they even do that?

mike: i don't know and that makes it scarier

stan: it does make it scarier 

☆

mike: outside of a dog, book is man's bestfriend. inside, it's to dark to read.

ben: how profound.

☆

bev and richie: *creepily n'sync* why, yes, we  _ can _ carry on an entire conversation made entirely of vine/movie quotes

☆

eddie: i have to decided to back in the closet, the world is a cold and germy place and i don't like it. i'll be back in a couple of years

☆

bill: what happens if you remix a remix?

ben: even better, what happens if you reverse an uno reverse card?

bill: we're so deep

☆

stan: I'm a pacifist. 

richie: you're passing a fist?

ben: no, he's a  _ pacifist _

stan: No, I'm passing a hemorrhoid.

☆

richie: i've been having extreme chest pain lately and that can only mean on thing

richie: ya boy's growing tits!!!

☆

at 4:37 in the morning 

ben: *terribly loud* STEP BY STEP, OH, BABY, GONNA GET TO YOU, GIRL

☆

richie and eddie: *begin to argue*

ben: hey, now

mike, eddie, and richie: hey, now, you're an all star, get ya game on, go plaaaay 

stan: all that glitters is goooold

bev: and only shooting stars break the moooold!!!

☆

bev: what's the first thing that comes to mind

stan: i constantly thank god for esteban

mike: sometimes quiet voilent i find it hard to hide, my pride is no longer inside

stan and mike: *realises their emo asses are perfect for each other*

bev: didn't we fucking ban that boring ass emo shit?

☆

bill: *trips and falls on jack fucking shit* 

georgie: did you just fall?

bill: no! i was.. testing gravity 

☆

ben: penny for your thoughts?

stan: I walk around like everything's fine but, deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is slipping off.

☆

eddie: i havent spoken to my wife in years. i didn't want to interrupt her.

☆

richie: before you ask, no i am not insane; my mother had me tested

☆

mike: stan, i need advice 

stan: I'm not good at advice. Sarcastic comment, instead?

☆

bev: accept who you are!

richie:... unless you're serial killer

bev: in that case, get yo ass in jail

☆

richie: not thinking before i speak is kinda fun, actually 

mike: how?

richie: that way i, too, am surprised by what i said

☆

greta: you're really pushing all buttons today, huh, *insert insanely rude insult here*

beverly: are one of those 'mute'

☆

eddie: look, i am not normally a voilent person but, if you tell me to hold your baby and it projectile vomits on me, like that bitch from the exorcist, i'ma throw it. it's going to space and that's all I've got to say. 

☆

mike: we don't want your pity

richie: we want your fucking serotonin 

☆

beverly: *slow and distorted* pussy

☆

richie: sucka my, licka my cock

☆

maggie tozier: *via phone* so, have you got a girlfriend yet, richie?

richie: uhhhh *watching his boyfriend dance to an eighties music playlist in his living room*

richie: uuuuhhhh

mike: we built this city on rock and rollllll

☆

bev: the most powerful ive ever felt is when i threw a tampon, unused, at a group of middle school boys and they scattered like, like things that scatter

bev: it was amazing

☆

bill: how is it possible for one's brain to even be alive before noon?

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's an, allusion, i guess, to the f-slur but it does like, cut off before it can finish but like. you'll see what i mean
> 
> check out my  
> Twitter- @redundantcactus  
> tumblr- @ablazingcactus

richie: i have the high ground anakin!

eddie: one more fucking time, i swear to god

(get it, cause he's short heheheh)

☆

bill: mothertrucker dude that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick

stan: *shakes his head silently*

☆

bev: insomnia is slapping my ass and calling my sally so im gonna cut my hair maybe?

☆

mike: you mean to tell me that there are seven million people in the world and nobody wants to start a band with us?

richie: apparently 

☆

ben: women

mike: are

bill: awesome!

☆

bev: i am siouxsie and you guys are the banshees

stan: Excuse you, I am not a banshee!

bev: i am siouxsie and everyone except for stan is a banshee

stan: There you go.

☆

eddie: richie kind of looks like that kid that comes to school in oversized sweaters with glitter on their face and theyre so "quirky" and "hipster"

ben: he does 

richie: thank you

(pt.1)

☆

bill: here's a picture of jesus christ himself

bill: *shows a picture of mike* 

bill: yes it is jesus, stan shut the fuck up

☆

bev: i've finally fucking done it!

eddie: what have you finally fucking done?

bev: the lesbian growl bitch!

bev: *proceeds to sound like a dying elephant*

eddie: right, then

☆

stan: Don't do it.

richie: *sound guilty* dont do what?

stan: You've already done it, haven't you?

richie: *looks away guiltily*

☆

eddie: richie looks just like that type of adult that peaked in highschool and gave up literally on the first day of college 

mike: just like, fuck this shit

richie: thank you.

(pt.2)

☆

richie: you wanna know why im so good at math?

ben: not, not really.

richie: *talking right over him* because i've been counting down the days until i could come out since i was born

☆

eddie: *to the tune of 'staying alive' by the bee gees* it's alright, it's not okay, i'm losing mY MIND

☆

bev: so, uh. i'm sad so im gonna go get pizza and get WINE DRUNK

☆

stan: *doing his birdwatching*

mike: *bored out of his goddamn motherfucking mind but being quite because he doesn't wanna bother stan*

☆

mike: we're mike and richie and uh

richie: yeah we still want your goddamn serotonin 

mike: hand it over bitch

☆

richie: yeah is that that um, *singing very really good* baby when they look UP AT THE SKY song?

bill: stop fucking showing off!

☆

stan: Y'all over here talking about Big Dick Energy and Top Energy but, uh, I have NO energy. I'm tired, man.

☆

richie: im a boy

bev: right

richie: and youre a girl

bev: yeah *sounding very hopeful*

richie: so im superior 

bev: son of a mother fucking bitch

☆

eddie: *extremely dramatic* nooo!

ben: *worried* what happened??

eddie: *still very dramatic* i dropped my chicken nugget!

☆

*it is very silent*

bill: *breaking the silence* ectoplasmatic urine

stan: what the fuck

bill: nothing, nothing

☆

stan: We all die, you either kill yourself or get killed.

eddie: *beat boxing*

stan: Watchu gone do?

☆

riche: have you fallen for my charms yet?

eddie: no, but im almost there

richie: yes!

☆

*police sirens*

ben: *who has never done anything wrong in his entire goddamn life* they've come for me

mike: *who is equally pure* run!

☆

richie, bev, bill, ben: i can, and will, fuck both your mom... and your dad!

☆

(this one is word for word stolen from the tik of the tok)

richie: this may be a waffle house but

richie: you're my waffle home *catapults himself into ben's arns*

ben: aww

eddie: wow

☆

stan: Hey, uh. How's the weather down there?

eddie: fuck you.

☆

bev: hey little mamma, let me whisper in your ear

bev: you SHORT

eddie: fucking seriously?

☆

bowers: suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a dick, you fucking-

richie: i will gladly suck a dick, thank you. i hear they are very tasty

☆

bill: my hair yellow, my shirt yellow, my teeth yellow! man, im feeling vibrant like the sun

☆

mike: fuck me if im wrong but-

stan: You're wrong.

mike: i- i didn't even-

stan: You. Are. Wrong.

☆

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i'll only write for this when it's very early/terribly late


	3. "british people be like 'do you wan' som wa'er?' like bitch, where are your T's!?!?!?!?!?!"

**Beverly:** I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. Like, you JUST did things  _ all  _ week. What next,  _ more  _ things??? That’s how they get you!

*star*

**Stan:** Adulting is soup and I am a fork.

*star*

**Richie:** Masturbation is technically selfcest.

**Mike:** Bitch wath the FUCK!?

*star*

**Eddie:** Teleporting cat. It’s like a normal house cat, but it appears in random places when you could’ve wrong you just saw it elsewhere. 

**Ben:** That’s a cat.

**Bill:** Literally any cat.

*star*

**Stan:** I’m not really fun. I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.

*star*

**Richie:** Whenever I’m sad, I think about how one of my pubic hairs can shut down a whole restaurant.

**Maggie, wondering what the fuck she’s gonna do with her son:** I just divorced, Richard.

*star*

**Bowers:** Hah! Tozier sneezes like a girl!   
  
**Richie:** How about a pound like a boy?

**Richie:** That did not come out right…

*star*

**Beverly, to Greta's parents:** Why name your kid Greta? You stocking up for the bitch factory?

*star*

**Bill:** You’ve probably noticed my swagger has a new swagger.

*star*

**Ben:** Harrison Ford has two last names.

**Eddie:** He doesn’t?

**Ben:** Jules Harrison, Jules Ford.

**Eddie:** Jake Paul has two first names.

*star*

**Store:** Open Nine am to Ten pm

**Time:** 9:30

**Store:** NOT open

**Stan:** UNACCEPTABLLLLEEEE! When you say something stars at nine, it starts at NINE!

*star*

**Eddie:** Fuck you!

**iouRichie:** Is that an insult or a to do list?

**Eddie:** What?

**Richie:** What?

*star*

**Eddie:** I love boys but they do be kinda dumb tho.

**Bill:** Come on, Stan! Ectoplasmatic urine!

**Eddie:** Case in point.

*star*

**Beverly:** I hate sleeping in tank tops, man. I wake up in my titty in the living room watching Riverdale.

*star*

**Richie:** My gender is ‘mistake’.

**Mike:** My gender is ‘extreme regret’.

*star*

**Mike:** An Australian accent is the southern version of a British accent.

*star*

**Richie and Mike:** We would like tiddies and serotonin, please.

*star*

**Richie:** Would you still be my friend if I was a worm?

**Stan, no hesitation:** No.

*star*

**Eddie:** *looking mad as fuck*

**Mike:** What’s wrong?

**Eddie:** You… have been home for an hour and… not once, NOT. ONCE! Have you attempted cuddles.

*star*

**Stan:** I greatly dislike British people because they don’t say their T’s.

**Stan:** Problema’ique.

**Stan:** See, it’s disgusting!

*star*

**Beverly, looking at Timothee Chalamalamalama:** Dose cheeKBONESSSS!!!! 

*star*

**Mike:** Richie, you are not Batman.

**Richie:** Your lack of faith disturbs me.

**Stan:** *big long suffering sigh*

*star*

**Beverly:** Saying fuck during sex is basically the same as saying 'Sleep!' during sleep.

**Ben, starry eyed and love voiced:** You're so smart....<3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go to Wattpad Comments on twitter, it's really funny

Richie: Having children is just keeping cum as a pet.

☆

Mike: Ok, look. If you say it's a 'quarter till ten', I am going to think it's 9:75.

☆

Stanley, staring at Richie & Eddie as they be all coupley: Can you two unfuck yourselves from each other?

☆

What Bill' parents  _ should _ be saying (in chap. 1): You get therapy, you get therapy, everybody gets therapy!

☆

Bill: Bigfoot kinda sexy?...

Ben: Wha- what?

☆

Eddie: Y'know, if you have enough creativity, anything can suck your dick.

Bev: Did Richie pay you to say that?

Richie: Did I pay you to say that?

☆

Bill, thinking about Richie when they were having that tiff in chapter one: Shut up, shrimp dick. I may tolerate you but, that doesn't mean I accept your commentary. 

☆

Stanley: Stove, move, and love. These words do not rhyme, even though they should. Because of that, I have decided I will no longer read. Good day.

☆

Mike: Bugs have so much outside, why are they so fucking pressed to get inside? Like, the fuck?

☆

Ben: Pigeons probably think we're extinct…

(i had so much trouble spelling extinct..)

☆

  
  


Beverly: I find it so wild that bedtime used to be a punishment. Now, I'm crying if I  _ can't  _ go to sleep.

☆

Bill: Describe adult in one word.

Stan: Scam.

Eddie: Difficult.

Ben: Obligations.

Mike: Pain.

☆

Random Commerical: What do  _ you _ want?

Mike: Attention, serotonin. 

Richie: Love, sleep. 

☆

Bev: I think our hairiest son is my favourite.

Ben: First of all, you shouldn't have a favourite. Secondly, that's the dog.

☆

Bill: Somebody give 2020 a snickers bar…

☆

Richie: After thirty something years of life in this planet, I've learned one very important lesson. She can eat your fries. You can not eat her fries.

☆

Stanley: I just wanna be rich enough to threaten to cut people out of my will…

☆

Ben: Sometimes, I buy a live lobster from a store and throw it into the ocean so it can warn the others…

☆

Beverly: Maybe if I put my brains in a push-up bra, maybe somebody'll notice them.

☆

Richie: Been getting a lot headaches lately. I think that mean I'm getting smarter.

☆

Mike: I can't find my camo pants and I'm not sure if I lost them, or if they're just really doing a good job.

☆

The Loser's: *in school, taking a test*

Stan: *actually doing his work with intense care*

Eddie: *daydreaming about bill*

Beverly: *trying really hard to do the test but keeps getting distracted by a fly*

Ben: *is already done*

Bill: *is not even pretending to care about the test*

Mike & Richie: *quietly discussing how the cars in cars fucked*

☆

Eddie: Chili peppers are fruit and that is why the world sucks.

☆

Beverly: A sports bra implies that existence of an academic bra…

☆

Richie: A group of cats is called a clowder.

Mike: A group of hipsters is called a stache of hipsters.

Bill: Two ninja are called a pair of sneakers.

Richie: We're smart. 

☆   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that "dot, dot, dot" thing is used, A LOT, isn't it?


	5. In the name of tomfoolery, drop them draws!!

Mike: I'm like, mega sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

☆

Richie: My mind is like a web browser because, there are, like, seventeen tabs open, five are frozen and I have no idea where the moans are coming from.

☆

Stan: In the end we’re all Jerry Springer Show guests, really, we just haven’t been on the show.

☆

Eddie: Bill, you are honestly the clumsiest person I have  _ ever  _ met.

Bill: I'm not clumsy. It's just.. the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies and the wall gets in the way.

Eddie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Billy.

☆

Bev: Isn't it weird how we have one hand that can do  _ everything  _ and then the other is just like "How the fuck do you hold a pencil"?

Ben: Yeah, actually. 

Richie: Can't relate. I'm ambidextrous. 

Bev: Oh, for the love of-

☆

Stan: I just. I don't like kids.

Eddie: And why not?

Stan: Because they're here to replace us.

☆

Richie: Hey, Eddie, why don't you stand up and show everyone how tall you are?

Eddie, ready to commit homicide: I  _ am  _ standing up

☆

Random Civilian: I  _ will  _ call the police, Richard.

Richie: You do and I'll be sorry!

☆

Police Officer: Oh, I don't think y'all are guilty, I just don't see how you could possibly be innocent. 

Mike: Right, right. That makes sense.

☆

Bill: I did not come here to be insulted!

Beverly: Where do you usually go?

☆

Bill: Remember when you had a crush on me?

Stan: I fail to acknowledge that I really did that, you know. Yeah, I refuse to accept that fact.

☆

Mike: Hey, that's a groovy pin- what's it say?

Richie: Love is the ultimate trip.

Mike: Oh, that's a nice thought. 

Richie: Your's is pretty nice, too. What does it say?

Mike: Save the Texas Prairie Chicken.

☆

Random Civilian: Are you two in a band?

Richie and Mike: Do fish 💫swim💫?

☆

Beverly: I'm working on my doctor's thesis. 

Ben: Now, why can't your doctor do his  _ own  _ thesis?


End file.
